Ok so we can see from my first two posts that I am not perfect. I realized that long before the boys were born. I don’t have all of the answers; I’m just trying to figure it out. Sometimes it is day-by-day; sometimes it is long-term. Having said this, here is my latest topic of imperfection.
Apparently, I play favorites with my sons. This is not strictly just for boys, but I have to share my experience. Frankly, sometimes I don’t know that I am doing it. It has been called to my attention that I favor the oldest of my twin boys (by one minute), Boy Wonder M. I tend to coddle him, speak gentler to him, and allow him to get away with more than his “younger” brother, Boy Wonder E (so I’m told). At first I was in denial. I fussed and hissed, folded my arms, and said “no way!” It took and still takes many heartfelt conversations to get me to see the truth in it. Hre is a recent example:
Yesterday was award’s day at my sons’ school. I knew both were getting some sort of awards, but didn’t know which ones. Being that the ceremonies were being conducted in their classrooms at the same time, I had to make arrangements to accommodate this. After the ceremonies were over, Boy Wonder M was very, very upset that he hadn’t received an academic award. (Turns out it was a mistake on the teacher’s part and he was actually on the Honor Roll). He was crying and it was made worse because his brother received the Principal’s Award (more on sibling rivalry later). So, naturally, I wiped his tears and comforted him, murmuring words of encouragement. As we were leaving, Boy Wonder E got upset about something, teared up, and when I saw him I blurted out, “oh get over it”. I immediately cringed.
Is this what I have ben doing all this time? How often do I do this? How has it been affecting him? What will he think of me later?
When you finally see clearly for yourself an enormous shortcoming, it hits you like bricks. Will I be able to stop myself from doing it in the future if I am unaware that I am doing it? I like to think that I treat them according to their unique abilities, temperment, and personalities. But I have seen how my harsh behavior occurs more frequently with Boy Wonder E based on the same or lighter infractions. I hate the feeling of guilt. So now it is up to me to become more self-aware and conscious of my actions towards both. EQUAL and CONSISTENT. I have a feeling that it is going to be a long road ahead but all we can do is try, try, and try again.
Do you think the gender of siblings influences favoritism?
Life in a House of Testosterone
Jan 27, 2012 @ 23:41:20
Oh honey it is so very difficult! I do the same thing – J. has ADHD, T. does not. So J. feels as though I coddle T. and let him get away with everything, while T. feels as though I coddle J. and let him get away with everything. They constantly fight for my attention (negative OR positive) and it does not matter if I spend the entire day with them or an hour with them. It’s hard, and I have learned that when the sibling rivalry kicks in and they are at each other’s throats over something – the best way to deal with it is to sit them BOTH down and explain the consequences for their actions to BOTH of them at the same time – so that there is no confusion and no feeling of favoritism. Sometimes it works…sometimes it doesn’t.
Mama's Boys
Jan 29, 2012 @ 23:13:19
Thanks for sharing! Sometimes it’s just nice to know it’s not just me. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting new everyday. I think the more I accept the concept of sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, it makes things less stressful as long as I recognize it when it’s happening and address it. It is certainly a roller coaster ride!
Asia Hadley
Jan 28, 2012 @ 03:01:50
Congratulations on starting your blog. It’s interesting reading. I’m a mom of a 17 month old son and just learned that I’m expecting again. I look forward to learning from your journey. If you’re looking for some inexpensive, boy-friendly crafty fun, hop on over to Beacon Villages for a quick look.
-Asia
Mama's Boys
Jan 29, 2012 @ 23:16:46
I will certainly be more than happy to share anything that you may need to know. I remember when my boys were 17 months old; it seems like time flies and I now find myself missing those little faces and their dependence. Now, even at 7, they have started pushing my kisses away, not fully, but it has started. I will definitely check out Beacon Villages…I’m constantly looking for a way to entertain them! Thanks soooo much!
Joyce from MBC *will follow back*
Jan 28, 2012 @ 21:12:36
I’m new to your blog.
Mama's Boys
Jan 29, 2012 @ 23:53:50
Thank you for taking the time to read my words. I hope you will enjoy!