Precious Sleep

Short post today – the only time the boys do not fight, wrestle, slap, punch, or hurt each other is when they are asleep. And even then they are probably dreaming of it.

Centering Sports

This post is going to be a brief one.  It is centered on sports.  Sports for the boys.  Sports scare me with potential injuries.  Therefore, I have been a little lazy in signing them up for the more aggressive ones.  The boys played soccer from the ages of three to five.  They were also in a small karate class for a year.  As they have grown I have been trying to determine which sports to expose them to for active involvement.  They just finished up flag football this past fall.  Yes, flag football.  Of course one of them wants to play touch football, but I am not ready.  I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that.  I accidentally missed registration for Little League this spring and have been putting off signing them up for karate again.  I don’t want a ball to accidentally hit them in the face, or another child kicking them in the teeth, or being tackled by a kid 100 lbs. heavier with 4 or 5 years more experience.

I know I will have to bite the bullet and get them involved.  It is so hard to agree willingly to cringe and cover my face for the next 10 – 15 years, but I will do it.  My poor nerves!

More to come….

NOT a princess….

I would not make a very good mom to girls.  I don’t think.  I was a girl and an only child.  But I was not a princess.  I liked rough-housing with my male cousin; climbing on the roof of my grandmother’s house, throwing parts of the shingles at the dog below, riding bikes through mud and ditches, havivng water-whatever fights, spitting spitballs on the ceiling, shooting waterguns in the house, etc.  I never got my hair done (still find it a pain), never liked getting my nails done (takes too long), and hated, hated shopping (still only like it if it is for a specific trip only).  And I HATE shopping for SHOES!  The only pair I have with an actual heel on it are my boots!  And my favorite genre in books and movies is HORROR!

I hate the mall.  I recognize that I will probably have to take my  boys to the mall to hang out (do kids still do that).  But I would be in torture having to take twin girls to the mall to shop AND hang out.  Besides,  I’m ultra aggressive with the boys.  I like to pop them in the back of the head and playfully run away.  I caught a small snake in a trap a few months ago and couldn’t wait to tell them.  I lit a bug on fire this past weekend and wished the boys were there to see it because they would have loved it.  (No, I don’t do mammals)  Soooo, I think that having boys fits my personality.  I couldn’t take being solely responsible for all of the girl behavior that I have or have not exhibitied: crying when happy, sad, or angry; cringing at the slightest hint of a bug, throwing and imaginary tea party, playing school, etc.  My demeanor is too abrasive for a girl.  I’m used to: “Boy, get in here and pick that up/throw that away; turn off the doggone light….NOW!”; “shut your mouth and go upstairs”, “you’re getting on my nerves with that fighting – I’m about to fight both of you”, “get outside and don’t come in til I tell you”, and “figure it out yourself, I’m not gonna help you.”

I like jumping in a playful wrestling match and dragging a Boy wonder across the floor.  I like instigating a superhero battle with action figures.  I like hitting one in the head with a snowball and yelling “get over it” to continue the onslaught.  I can’t do these things  with girls.  I don’t do well with extreme sensitivity even though I’m extremely sensitive.  I love, love, love my boys! 

Nevermind that I cried when I discovered that I was not having a girl seven years ago……

What about the after party?

What about the after party?.

Help!

Help!

Dr. Phil today….

I was watching Dr. Phil this afternoon and I teared up.  If you didn’t see it, the topic for today was about identical twin boys, 16-years-old, that fight a lot.  Now, it is my understanding that siblings fight.  Listening to a local radio station, The Bert Show, the host, was describing his sons, 9 and 4 are constantly battling.  He posed a question to his audience: what is the worst thing you have ever done to a sibling?  The responses were hilarious, although I’m sure at the time the situations weren’t so funny to these individuals.

Soooo, with that being said, siblings fight.  But the things these two boys were doing to each other and their parents were atrocious.  They smoke illegal drugs, drink, physically attack each other, and disrespect their parents.  It almost seemed that they hated each other and it was very sad.  At first I was indignant and said to myself that I would never tolerate that behavior (and I absolutely still believe that)!  However, as I was watching i realized how broken my heart would be if my boys did those things.  I know that there are challenges ahead, but I hope that fundamentally my boys will be boys, not evil demons that I send off to boot camp!

Venus? Mars? Part I

I don’t like the word “sissy”.  The connotation is anything less than positive.  One dilemma I have in raising boys is how to make them “brave” or “fearless” or able to leap tall buildings.  Our society dictates that men (boys) should be masculine, not cry, and proactively defend what is theirs.  Society dictates that men (boys) should not express themselves openly, discuss their feelings with others (if allowed to have them), or show any type of sensitivity.  Well, I do all of those.  Now, I’m not saying it is because I am a woman necessarily, but I cry over everything (commercials, bad things happening to kids, putting on my make-up wrong, not being able to find my keys, etc.); I want to talk in-depth about my feelings and emotions, ALL the time, I like to smooch and hold hands, and my feelings can get hurt deeply.  If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, how am I supposed to raise my boys to be the total opposite of who I am?

So, I put the boys in sports.  I did not play sports.  But my perspective says that boys play sports, although not all of them do.  I’ve been trying not to reach for them when they fall since they were little, but it has gone against my entire constitution to do so.  And I have given in frequently to soothe them.  How do I tell Boy Wonder M and Boy Wonder E to man up, stop crying, when they see me cry just because I may be happy.  But I do it because it is what is expected.  I do it so that other boys don’t make fun of them.  I do it so that they “fit in”.  I am harsher with them because they are boys, and sometimes I feel guilty.

However, I hope to accept them for who they become as they grow.  I want to know what my sons think and feel because they are people.  At 7, they aren’t fully aware of all of society’s expectations.  So while I fuss and nag and get irritated and lose my patience (and energy), I want them to know that their feelings count.  If no one else cares about them, or if society gives them a hard time, I want them to know that their mom does care and always will.  I will continue to foster open communication, will learn to take my cues from them as they get older for sharing, and validate that their thoughts, emotions, and feelings count and are legitimate.

Sometimes as a mom I think that boys have a hard emotional ride ahead of them where they have to stifle their true beings, and sometimes I don’t think it’s fair.  Therefore, I want to be the sponge that absorbs all of their information and revelations, and the one that they can turn to, with no penalties to let their guard down.  I will try to remember this the next time they are talking over each other to get their stories across to me and I brush them off….

Do you ever feel conflicted?

All is Not Fair in Love and War: Playing Favorites?

Ok so we can see from my first two posts that I am not perfect.  I realized that long before the boys were born.  I don’t have all of the answers; I’m just trying to figure it out.  Sometimes it is day-by-day; sometimes it is long-term.  Having said this, here is my latest topic of imperfection.

Apparently, I play favorites with my sons.  This is not strictly just for boys, but I have to share my experience.  Frankly, sometimes I don’t know that I am doing it.  It has been called to my attention that I favor the oldest of my twin boys (by one minute), Boy Wonder M.  I tend to coddle him, speak gentler to him, and allow him to get away with more than his “younger” brother, Boy Wonder E (so I’m told).  At first I was in denial.  I fussed and hissed, folded my arms, and said “no way!” It took and still takes many heartfelt conversations to get me to see the truth in it.  Hre is a recent example:

Yesterday was award’s day at my sons’ school.  I knew both were getting some sort of awards, but didn’t know which ones.  Being that the ceremonies were being conducted in their classrooms at the same time, I had to make arrangements to accommodate this.  After the ceremonies were over, Boy Wonder M was very, very upset that he hadn’t received an academic award. (Turns out it was a mistake on the teacher’s part and he was actually on the Honor Roll). He was crying and it was made worse because his brother received the Principal’s Award (more on sibling rivalry later). So, naturally, I wiped his tears and comforted him, murmuring words of encouragement.  As we were leaving, Boy Wonder E got upset about something, teared up, and when I saw him I blurted out, “oh get over it”.  I immediately cringed. 

Is this what I have ben doing all this time?  How often do I do this?  How has it been affecting him?  What will he think of me later?

When you finally see clearly for yourself an enormous shortcoming, it hits you like bricks.  Will I be able to stop myself from doing it in the future if I am unaware that I am doing it?  I like to think that I treat them according to their unique abilities, temperment, and personalities.  But I have seen how my harsh behavior occurs more frequently with Boy Wonder E based on the same or lighter infractions.  I hate the feeling of guilt.  So now it is up to me to become more self-aware and conscious of my actions towards both.  EQUAL and CONSISTENT. I have a feeling that it is going to be a long road ahead but all we can do is try, try, and try again.

Do you think the gender of siblings influences favoritism?

Fighting….Survival of the Fittest

“Mommy!  You said it was my turn and Boy Wonder E won’t get off the computer!”

This statement comes long after I have already heard the shrill of a scream, followed by two incoherent and loud shouting from their room.  As I roll my eyes upwards and rub the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, I try to remind myself to remain cool and TRY to be patient.  I enter the room and immediately yell, “What’s going on in here?!”  Boy Wonder M and Boy Wonder E immediately begin to shout their viewpoints.  I impatiently tell them that I can’t understand what they are saying as they talk over each other.  At the end of this one-of-many and continuing “disagreements”, I eventually put the boys on timed sessions on the computer in 30 minute increments.  When the buzzer beeps, switch turns, no arguing.

Does this work?  Most of the time.  I try to consistently have the same procedures for how to handle difficult sibling (brother) confrontations.  This is new for me.  I do not have siblings.  Yes, I am an only child (not spoiled, of course).  Being a girl (mommy) and an only child, the world of boys was very unfamiliar to me.  When I first learned that I was having boys, I was totally freaked out.  Happy, but freaked out.  And there were going to be TWO!  I had heard so many horror stories about boys: brothers pushing each other out of one-story windows, boys putting on capes with an umbrella and jumping off the roof, brothers punching each other in the face just because, boys jumping from the stairs onto the couch below, and the list goes on.  I thought about boys running in the house, riding their bikes in the house, playing ball in the house, running in the house; boys painting themselves, boys playing in the mud and dragging it onto the carpet, boys throwing rocks at the ducks in the pond, boys picking their noses and wiping it on their pants (or worse, consuming it!), and that list also goes on.  Whew!

Two years old

One of my boys, Boy Wonder M is a tad more aggressive than his brother, even from the beginning.  Boy Wonder M would grab and scratch his brother’s face whenever he would get upset.  Boy Wonder M likes to constantly grab and wrestle Boy Wonder E and tackle him with his superhero cape securely tied around his neck.  I hear a lot of booms and bangs around the house.  I cannot count how many times my heart has almost jumped out of my chest.  I carry around a small, mommy-developed first-aid kit in a freezer bag in case of boy-play trauma.  This essential kit consists of:

bandaids, for the inevitable scratches; Benadryl anti-itch gel for rashes; Bactine for insect bites; Carmex for chapped lips; wipes/tissue for bloody noses or anything else that might end up bleeding, and tweezers for splinters

If you don’t carry these things yet, start NOW.  It has kept down my level of panic at the park or on the field.

What do I do when Boy Wonder M and Boy Wonder E fight?  I try the following (doesn’t always work):

1. Take a deep, deep, deep breath.

2. Get both sides of the story.  But as we all know, the other person is ALWAYS wrong, and they are ALWAYS right.

3.  Give one option that I choose.  It’s that or nothing.  I do NOT negotiate when it comes to fighting.

4. Separate them for a specified amount of time.  The more they are around each other, which is all of the time outside of school, the more they get on each other’s nerves.

5.  Have a discussion about the incident.  I also have a discussion about fighting, what it means to look out for each other, the meaning of violence, and peaceful resolutions.

I will continue to get irritated by their arguing, fighting, and disagreements.  I will also continue to push them to figure things out for themselves, a way to avoid and resolve conflicts.  Hopefully they will remember this as a life lesson.

Here are some suggested websites:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Sibling-Rivalry—When-Brothers-and-Sisters-Fight&id=1069453

http://www.articlebase.com/parenting-articles

Suggestions?

For Moms Of Boys

I AM a person outside of my kids.  I promise you I am.  I insist.  I am a woman who enjoys the sunset on the beach with a good book and a good drink.  I love to take quiet moments to reflect on the meaning of life, to meditate, and to listen to a CD of the ocean crashing against the rocks….or maybe the sounds of the rainforest….or wait, an enchanting thunderstorm as I sip wine and get softly lulled into a peaceful and dreamless sleep.  Ahhhhh….

I am also the person who awakens every morning, scrambling to grab clothes that I did not iron the night before.  I am the woman who has forgotten to set the alarm clock and bangs through the door yelling for everyone to “get up, we’re late!”  I am the person who sits in the cold at practice twice a week and every Saturday morning for games.  I am the person helping with homework I barely remember, much less understand, while cooking dinner, getting the bath ready, and refereeing (probably not a real word) spontaneous violent outbursts.  Some of you may know me.  Some of you ARE me.  My name is Mommy, otherwise known as Tiffani Bowman.

I still love those things I mentioned earlier, but those moments are few and far between.  Sitting at the park on a beautiful day with nature usually occurs as I sit near the play area on the lookout for predators.  Listening to the radio (no, I haven’t adapted to an ipod, Nano, or whatever) is usually accompanied by a symphony of wrestling, screaming, superhero battles, car crashes, and computer or other electronic gameplay noise. Reading a book usually consists of Batman vs Superman (weird, I know), a clash between Iron Man and his evil enemies, or a victory of the mighty Justice League.  And sleep?  A peaceful night’s sleep is if and when they don’t wake me up at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning for 10 pieces of bacon, 6 waffles, grits, and 3 bowls of cereal.

Yes, I am the Mighty Mommy and this blog serves as a log of my superhero story with my faithful sidekicks….Boy Wonder M and Boy Wonder E.  If you can relate, I impore you to join me on this hectic, yet marvelous adventure!  Let the games begin!